Heart Is Broken

I’ve been so busy with work that I haven’t written in over a month.

We finished a major fundraiser at work (nothing like raising your own salary to appreciate how much work goes into the process) about two-weeks ago. It’s been non-stop 50+ hours weeks that I’m glad are over. The last two weeks, I’ve been looking for inspiration to write. Writer’s block is a bitch, but I found my inspiration tonight. It’s amazing how pain inspires words. 

I’ve been fine for weeks. I’ve worked out six days out of the week for a couple of months – zumba, cardio funk, weights, running, kickboxing – consistently taking my classes. Work has been brutal but I’ve made it through our major fundraiser and it’s a great success. But t`he last few days, I’ve been dreaming about pregnancies. My period was late. Despite two “Not Pregnant” pee sticks, I was hoping for the best and yet preparing for the worst. I should know better, but I couldn’t help but hope that just maybe, things would go our way. I was wrong, yet again.

Just when I think I’m strong, my husband’s cousin’s daughter who is in her twenties is having a baby and has announced it on Facebook. So I cry. I find my tears. I hide my pain and blame it on my PMS, but I write because I think it helps. I’m sorry if I’m a little incoherent, but I feel a little lost tonight and very broke

Why not us? What’s wrong with me? It’s Mother’s Day tomorrow. I guess I’m just not worthy.There should be a “Happy Wives Day” because I’m a damn good wife at the very least.

P.S. While I wallow in self pity today, we had our RE appointment in March for a 2nd round of IVF treatment in July. I hate that `I have to give myself injections to have a baby and not know if this is going to work. I’m steeling myself against failure. How is that even fair at all?

 

Pink and Rants.

I’m listening to Pink and it’s putting me in a great mood.

I made it through the birthday party.  There were parents with young children playing and my husband and I were definitely the few that weren’t part of the “crowd.” It did feel odd and in a way not so “welcoming” because most everyone had something in common – children. But that’s just perception of our current reality and it’s no one’s fault. We bought presents (including cotton candy – yes, I was that guest!), had brunch, socialized and expressed cuteness over the overwhelming number of kids running around.

I bet single women feel the same way in the presence of a group of married women or women in relationships who are griping about their respective relationships. It’s tough to be the odd man out.

I will admit that I was glad to leave. After an hour of everyone cooing over babies, I found myself becoming frustrated even though I thought I had fluttered my way through the party like a pro. I’d like to think of it as progress in the right direction even if I wasn’t feeling the greatest towards the end.

Here’s my rant though, bear with me.

We probably shouldn’t have mentioned that we woke up at 11 a.m. the morning of the party (we like to sleep-in during the weekend.) Another colleague of mine, who had her baby in October, mentioned how she woke up at 5 a.m. that morning to feed her daughter and sarcastically pointed out (in a not so exact way) that we were somewhat bums for sleeping in.  In my ever so direct way, I pointed out that the decision to have a child was theirs and that I was pretty sure they knew that it came with regular feedings in the wee hours of the night.

Why do moms complain about stuff they really shouldn’t be complaining about? After all, 9 times out of 10, the decision to have a child is usually made and after a period of trying, a baby comes along. During the pregnancy, I would imagine most women would research post-pregnancy expectations and responsibilities.  Guess what? That includes waking up regularly at night to feed.

Pointing out that I get to sleep-in didn’t help me feel less annoyed over the situation. Granted, I’m sure when we have kids, we’d likely hate the constant waking-up but at least I wouldn’t be complaining a lot. I know better.

Women who have zero fertility issues have no idea how lucky they are. It’s not much fun watching from outside.

My husband.

My husband who is usually unshaken by infertility in any way was a little perturbed after finding out that his friend’s girlfriend is pregnant and they weren’t even trying. He’s tried to do the best he can each cycle with so little to show for and has grown increasingly frustrated over each failure. I think he finally gets what I’m forced to deal with regularly, but I’m sorry that he too has to deal with the pressure that comes with infertility. It’s not fair to him.

On a better note…

I do a great deal of fundraising and we’ve exceeded our fundraising numbers for the first time in over 28-years.  I can’t take complete credit since a number of people have worked on this project, but I know I had a small piece in it. So that’s pretty cool.

I’m excited about Hunger Games. I think I’ll go ahead and watch the movie. Hopefully it won’t be disappointing.

I’ve concluded that that our cat likes me. We adopted her in January and I don’t have a very good track record with cats. But this one likes me and loves talking to me in the morning.

I hope that you’re all having a great week wherever you are.

Quote: Reaction

I have this quote in my office. It helps me on days when I’m stressed out with whatever work situation I’m facing. I hope you find this useful as well.

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, the education, the money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill…. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past… we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our Attitudes. – Chuck Swindoll

 

Photo: Knotty (Beauty in Ugly)

Turning One (Not My Child)

My friend’s daughter is turning one this weekend. Lots of kids turn one, but she’s a reminder to me of what could have been.

When I found out I was pregnant, my friend, was a month ahead. Naively I told her about my pregnancy  only to miscarry weeks later. She went on to have a healthy pregnancy and her little girl is beautiful.

If my pregnancy had progressed, our child would be turning one in April. So you see, her daughter, reminds me of what I don’t have.  I’m not envious of my friend, nor do I resent her, but I find it difficult to engage with her daughter. It’s not her fault, it’s more my reaction to the situation. I’d like to change that but it’s such a mental thing for me.

We’ve had our share of challenges. Some of you have had more with later-term loss and stillbirths, but it feels so weird to feel “loss” this long over a pregnancy that was never meant to thrive.

She’s turning one and I’m going to her birthday party this weekend. It will be a joyous celebration as her parents (and my friends) reflect on the last twelve months. For me, I’d like to be able to enjoy being around her without feeling like I’ve missed out on so much.

Sometimes I think it’s insanity to even feel like this. Crazy right?

Infertility Coverage: It Shouldn’t Have to be a Choice

There’s a debate going on about contraceptives, abortion and women’s right to make decisions for her body.  The conversation is certainly focused on healthcare for women who are choosing to not have children.

The funny thing is, no one’s talking about healthcare for women who want to have children outside of the usual prenatal and pregnancy care. Infertility coverage is not a given.

I’m lucky. My husband has terrific coverage. For that, I’m grateful.

However, there are so many women out there who would loved to be mothers, but can’t because of cost. Typical healthcare benefits assumes that having children is a “choice.”  Therefore, employers and insurance companies can choose to selectively not cover it (infertility) even though it’s a diagnosed condition.

Groups representing women are asking for mandatory birth control coverage or the permission to end a pregnancy for the sole purpose of not having children. Shouldn’t these groups also be asking for infertility coverage for women?

If the ability to prevent and end a pregnancy is part of the political debate; then so should the right to have children.  After all, it’s our bodies and it’s our choice.

Here’s some food for thought:  David Orentlicher: Give help to infertile couples

What I Say.

I’m a serious person in general.

I’ve been told that my words carry weight. So when I speak, people tend to listen. Don’t ask me why though. It’s not like I’m an authority on anything specific.

I will admit to being opinionated. Especially about topics that matter to me: gun safety, women’s rights, women in the workplace, animals,  politics, world affairs, current events and so forth. I’ve learned to tone a lot of it down because not everyone appreciates a healthy debate as I do.

My sense of humor isn’t really funny. It’s sharp, sarcastic and blunt.

My idea of jokes is centered around the play of words or innuendos instead of something you might see on Tosh.O. I don’t usually joke about farts, body shapes, weight, culture, armpit noises, bodily fluids or sex.  I’m just not a “random-cussing-potty-mouth” kind of girl. I suppose that makes me a little aloof and intimidating to some people.

My husband is the epitome of funny. He’s a hoot to be around most times. In fact, he can get away being offensive without hurting anyone’s feeling although he does make me uncomfortable with his off-color remarks from time to time.

I’ve made people uncomfortable with my sarcastic remarks. They get confused and don’t know how to distinguish between sarcasm and being serious.

Still,  I do forget that people have their own “baggage.” People do have a tendency to think that what’s said in humor might be directed to them particularly if it’s an issue that they are genuinely worried or concerned about.

The onus is on me to remind myself that not everyone know how to distinguish what’s said versus what’s actually meant versus their own perceptions of reality and their own sense of self. I really have no idea if this makes sense! It sounds far too complicated in my opinion.

On the opposite spectrum, I could speak in a monotonous fashion and offer no opinion or jokes or laughter and nod my head at every possible statement and pretend to be interested.Then, they might assume I’m a completely boring person with absolutely nothing interesting to say or that I’m irritated with them (or something.)

Maybe I just need to keep my words limited to single syllable words and remove sarcasm all together from my vocabulary. Sigh.

My Accidental Cocker Spaniel.

My mom is a neat a freak. Growing up, we just weren’t allowed to have dogs. She kept the house spotless and no animal was going to walk through with nasty paws. We had hamsters that got pregnant every other week (my dad insisted they were lonely apart), pigeons and doves (my dad was a fan of birds), a squirrel (rescued) and fish (very boring.) Still, no dog.

I got my first dog while I was in graduate school with zero experience or hands-on knowledge about dogs. She came to me from Oklahoma, on a plane, from her breeder.  I searched on the Internet (yes, I was ignorant on puppy mills) and though I really wanted her brother (I heard that male cocker spaniels had better temperaments), she was the only one left. She was my accidental cocker-spaniel, the one I didn’t really want, but settled for since I really wanted a dog. I figured I’d better do it before I changed my mind.

Six-hundred dollars later and a plane ride to Norfolk, Virginia, I had my first dog. She peed in her crate. Poor thing. I guess with a long plane ride from Oklahoma, she was bound to have an accident. I planned on naming her “Xena Warrior Puppy” but settled on “Molly.” She just looked like a “Molly.”

Molly was (and still is) cute from the get-go with brown, black and white fur. A sable-colored cocker spaniel is pretty unusual. The usual colors are buff, black or brown so she’s definitely unique.

When I got home, I released her from her crate. I’m sure she was thrilled to be free by then. She wandered through the living room sniffing every nook and cranny; her nub wagging excitedly as she explored her world. I watched hoping she wouldn’t pee in the house and thankfully, she didn’t.

She slept a lot the first few weeks, learned to walk on leash, peed and pooped outside and say “Hi” to the lab next door. In a matter of weeks, she was housebroken thanks to the crate-training method. I was pretty proud of myself since it was my first dog. It has since helped when we rescued most recent dog, who is now two-years old.

After a few months of crate-training, she ended up spending most of the night on my bed. I know it wasn’t the smart thing to do, but she was my first dog and she was cuddly. Molly is feisty like me. Stubborn too. Knows what she wants (food, people and toys – in that order). She hogs the bed. Snores (really, really loud.) Loves playing fetch (I’m too lazy to chase after a ball).

I’m not sure why I’m rambling, really. Now that Molly’s eight-years-old, I’m realizing that she’s only got so many years left with me.

I can already tell that she’s slowing down. It’s getting harder for her to get up in the morning. Fatty lumps are growing around body; common among older dogs. She seeks more attention that she used to (belly rubs and such) and likes hanging close to us on the sofa. We’ve had to remove some of her teeth since they were totally rotten. While she chases a toy like an old pro at fetch, she can’t keep up with our younger lab who is full of energy.

I’m realizing that she’s in her prime of life and it’s only downhill from here. It’s funny how the passage of time changes perspective. She was a little thing at eight weeks and now she’s right at 27 pounds with a lot of attitude and is living (what we think) a full life for a dog.

I’ve had that “end of life” conversation with her. She’s been informed in no uncertain terms that if she plans on dying on me that she could do it in her sleep and not have me take her to the vet to put her down. I’m banking on her understanding human language and that she’d follow through with my request. Highly unlikely, I know. Still, I hope that when the time comes that she’ll let me know and in the interim, we’ll enjoy the time we have together.

P.S. I picked a cocker spaniel because I used to read books written by Enid Blyton (a British writer) as a child and her characters were often around the breed. As I said, my logic for picking a dog wasn’t actually primed in research and knowledge!

Rebuttal: Pope Benedict XVI Is Out of Touch

The Pope has called on infertile couples to shun artificial procreation, saying such methods are a form of arrogance – Associated Press

It’s disappointing to learn that someone of stature and respect within the Catholic church would call methods to treat infertility as arrogant. Does that mean that my desire to have children is merely an arrogant need?

I’m grateful that I’m not Catholic. I respect that the Catholic church have their own traditions that impact how followers perceive birth control and procreation. I understand that embryos created through IVF treatment is very much a “child” (at the point of conception.) and that destroying them goes against the church. After my miscarriage, I’ve realized that I value conception and what that means from a pro-life perspective (*but not necessarily when it involves incest/rape etc.)

But it’s disappointing that someone who supposedly loves God and believes in procreation cannot understand how fertility treatment has built families and provided hope for so many who wouldn’t otherwise be able to have children.

Speaking at a conference on infertility in Rome, the Pope said artificial methods of getting pregnant were arrogance, insisting that sex between a husband and wife was the only acceptable way of conceiving.

Matrimony was the “only place worthy of the call to existence of a new human being”, he told scientists and fertility experts. Read More

I’d like to assure the Pope that my husband and I have had plenty of sex the last four-years. Let me also assure him that it hasn’t been easy to conceive. Despite a natural pregnancy in 2010 and an ectopic (IVF) pregnancy last year, I’ve yet to see a child in our lives. If matrimony is the “only place worth of the call to existence of a new human being,” then I’d like the Pope to realized that it hasn’t happened for us despite years of heartache and trying.

Dear Pope Benedict, you’re out of touch. One in six couples have some form of infertility. I’m sure that in those statistics, there are plenty of Catholic couples struggling with the pain of not being able to have children naturally. Who are you to judge? A man of God without wife and child? Who are you to assume that such methods – IVF, IUI, ART – are arrogant? Have you felt the heartache of many men and women who have faced life with infertility, multiple miscarriages and stillbirths? Do you know what couples have had to do to have children?

There was the monthly trying, the temperature tracking, the ovulation tracking, the cervical fluid gathering and the regular “pee-on-a” stick – and yet, there have been no children. Yep, that was my matrimonial intercourse. Why don’t you try having sex regularly when you’re not in the mood but you know you need to so that you can have a baby? Oh wait, you can’t.

I didn’t ask for this “disease.” If a cancer patient can ask for healing and seek treatment from hospitals, why can’t I? Is my disease so special that I shouldn’t be allowed to seek alternate treatment? Dear Pope, if you had a wife and you felt her pain daily, you would understand a bit of what I’m saying now.

This is why people hate “religion.” You regiment what you believe (you think) life should be but not realize that real life is not the Catholic Church version.

He told the science and fertility experts in his audience to resist “the fascination of the technology of artificial fertility. Benedict cautioned the experts against “easy income, or even worse, the arrogance of taking the place of the Creator,” an attitude he indicated underlies the field of artificial procreation. – Read More

Please understand that I’m not angry with you. I do realize that you are Catholic and your beliefs mark your faith and doctrine. Nevertheless, I think it’s not your place to talk about birth, babies and procreation when you have absolutely no experience in the process (or the heartache.) Keep the church out of my sex life or my procreation processes. You have no business to tell me what I can or cannot do to have a baby.

I believe that God created the world. I also believe that God provided us with expertise and resources that allows men and women around the world to seek the help they need.

Infertility is painful. Calling possible infertility solutions as “arrogant” only devalue the pain that so many of us are already feeling.

Dear Pope, please don’t assume that infertility is not serious or that it carries less weight than diseases like HIV or cancer or depression. We feel real pain, depression, hopelessness and despair with each failure to get pregnant. It is like ANY other disease that needs medical intervention.

You represent the Catholic Church. Please do so with humility and understanding of the men and women who look up to you for your leadership. Your words hurt so many. Including myself.

Don’t stay out of touch. Be informed about infertility. And keep your opinions (and of the church) to yourself.

PHOTO: Shine Your Light